Solitude, Silence

Hello.

This is my first post in a very long time. It will be short - there is simply too much for me to write about, it would take a book to describe the last 6 months of my life. Suffice it to say that many of the things I've believed about myself, about my world, and about my God have been turned upside down. There was a man inside a boy when I left Portland and Seattle for New Orleans. Now the man is coming out of the boy, and it is tangible. Like any birth, there is great pain and much labor. But the new life I see taking root in me is worth the struggle.

Shh... Be silent. Listen. Rest. Know.

I began my time in New Orleans with a period of silence. This was a posture that I needed to take, for a time, to begin to listen and hear. I've lived 24 years with all sorts of different voices in my head clamoring for my attention - voices speaking lies to me, seducing me, ridiculing me, hounding me; the culture, my background, and myself. Somewhere in the mix of all these voices was a still, small Whisper, and I had forgotten how to discern it from the others.

It was alien to me - choosing not to speak, choosing not to turn on a DVD or my iPod, choosing not to open my laptop and surf. It was silent, and uncomfortable. Yet, in the silence, I began to hear. I began to identify voices speaking lies I had believed my whole life... "You're not worth it." "You're dirty." "You need me, you want me." "Don't let down your guard. Don't let anyone know you."

In the silence, I also began to hear, softly, gently, subtly, a Voice whispering love, affirmation and truth to me... Truth I had never really believed... "You're worth it. I love you. I made you clean. You need me, and I want you. I love you."

In that week, those truths didn't sink in completely, because for me, it's a slow process to allow them to journey from my head to my heart. But they are sinking in, and they have been changing the way I live, carry myself and, most importantly, the way I see myself. That Voice is wooing me, romancing me, and I want to hear more of it!

Come away with Me, be alone with Me...

I'm leaving on Friday to go be alone for a night and a day at a monastery about an hour out of town. I'm going away to listen, to be quiet, to leave it all behind, to commune with my Lover, my Father, my Savior and my God. He will refresh me.

I live at a hectic pace here in New Orleans. That has been a huge struggle for me... There is not a lot of time to slow down and go away, to be alone and reflect, listen, meditate, pray. In fact, I was sent away tonight for a few hours. Between working all week, each week, and participating fully in my Community, I hardly stop. The busy-ness is good, but there must be a place for peace and solitude, as well. As a man, I am learning that it is okay to govern my time, to set aside "me" time. It is okay to go away for a while, to refresh and recharge. There is only so much a man can do, and a sustainable pace must be found.

So I am learning to posture myself in silence as a discipline, and learning to be alone. I am learning to just be, and though the learning is slow, it is good.

Me and Benjamin

Sunshine and 60 degrees. It's a good day! And I feel productive... I ordered my free credit reports online today, and am taking baby steps to eliminate my debt. The next step, I think, is to consolidate my debt with a bank or credit union... The shadow of my ignorance about finances has been stifling at times, and I hate being stuck under it. I can see a pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel, though... So many things are coming about to help me take care of it: I'm moving in with Mike and Susanne in January, and they have graciously extended free rent to me. This means that the money I earn can go toward financial freedom. My friend and sister, Beth, just landed a great job in a restaurant in Nola, and said that she could probably hook me up... That, coupled with the odd day working construction, sound like a good possibility for debt-reduction. And I am going to go back to school in January. This will put my student loans into forbearance until I finish school. All in all, pretty excited for what's to come. More to come!

from my window

It's pouring down rain right now, and I am sitting inside Cafe Palio. Don Miller wrote a lot of Blue Like Jazz sitting right here, and I can see why the book was so good! This window lends a view to beautiful green-leafed trees gently shedding their foliage along with the rain, people come and go from the shop, cars circle the garden roundabout, and there is warmth inside. I feel like writing today, not about the struggle per se - just writing to write... It's a good feeling.

I read Colossians 3 today. Paul's letters are so heavy with layers and layers of theology. As I read the chapter, he was talking about not walking in the flesh anymore - getting rid of lust, sexual immorality, greed and the like. My immediate and visceral reaction was to grunt in frustration. He says that these things are a part of the old nature, and that we should "set our hearts on things above..." It's more easily said than done sometimes. I'm just being honest.

Paul goes on to talk about this in the context of the body - what we would call the Church, probably the local body of believers. He talks about forgiveness and clothing ourselves with kindness and compassion. Again, the frustrated grunt. Why? Because I feel so apart from community right now. I have a strong network of people in Seattle and in Nola, but not here in Portland. It's lonely here, and much easier to keep the old self...

We NEED community. We can do none of the things Paul mentions in the first half of the chapter without the people and posture portrayed in the last half of the chapter... We NEED mothers and fathers and young men and women, masters and slaves (managers and employees, if you will). Without the other parts, we cannot function as a whole. That's tough, because a lot of the time, I don't even LIKE the other parts! I'm just being honest.

My friend, Trippe, got on a plane the other day and flew to San Francisco. He needed to get away, be alone, sort some things out. That boy is growing. He's a man, now. He's making wise and difficult decisions and owning his muck. San Francisco has been good to him. He comes home around midnight tonight. I'm jealous, in a way. I want to get away, too. But after reading this, I just want to drown in community. I want intimacy - the kind where people know you... really know you. Where they see your muck and still love you. Where they hurt you and you have to forgive them, and you hurt them and they have to forgive you. Where love and humility and all that are real and true and DEEP!

I want to be with my tribe! I want Colossians 3 to be true for me... and so I look out the window, and I ask the God who is watering the earth with his driving rain and shading the sun with his big, puffy, pillowy clouds, who has turned the leaves to copper and with a breath blows them to the earth, to grant me the grace to live in holiness, as the New Man today, and to give me travelling companions on this road, other leaves to blow in this wind with, and may we prevail, and bud anew like the Springtime!

As I close my laptop and get ready for the next part of my day, I am thankful for the view from this window and the perspective it affords. I'm just being honest.

That Poor, Poor Man...

Jake Timmerman and I were roommates for a year. It was a good year. We were real, and became brothers. He's not the topic, though. Actually, he's very fortunate to be engaged to a beautiful woman - Erin - and is preparing for a life as a missionary to the kids of Compton.

No, the poor man I speak of is the man we witnessed gnarfing inside his half-empty pitcher of beer tonight at the Horse Brass Pub... Jake and I had decided to get together for a brew and a game of darts. Another good friend, Jaaron, also graced us with his presence. And as I was handing Jaaron the darts, this lumberjack of a man - we're talking over 300 lbs, big suspenders, wearing a jacket to make an Eskimo jealous - leans over the book he's reading, grabs his pitcher, and begins to spew like the fountains in front of the Bellagio! It all made it into the pitcher, and he wiped off his mouth and continued to read... For a minute. His second volley projectiled a good 10 feet - across his lap, book, table, beer, a rug, and the floor. I grabbed some napkins for him to wipe his mouth with, and asked him if he was all right. He grunted, cleaned up some, gathered his belongings, and left.

I wonder if he's okay. A moment at once comical, and yet sad. I hope he isn't too embarrassed to return to the Brass. Seemed like a decent chap!

(And I lost all 4 games we threw tonight)

Deepest Apologies...

the times, they are a'changin'...

So here we are, officially into Autumn. September 21 flew by, and as Summer stomped out the front door here in Portland, Autumn - that chilly, but oh-so-beautiful lady - sauntered in through the kitchen door that someone left open to catch the evening breeze. She has settled comfortably here in my neighborhood. I am beginning to see hints of oranges and reds. Soon, the trees will be the color of fire, and leaves will lose their grip on the twigs and brances where they live, and sashay a meandering path toward the ground, heeding the beckoning call of gravity, the sweeping of the rake, and the giggling that accompanies little bodies crashing into piles of the things.

As my time in Portland wanes, I feel like a Jackson Pollock of thoughts, whispered prayers, emotions. Sleepless nights and some mornings I can't get out of bed. I am wondering how to make sense of so much coming at me at once... Life is splattering all over my canvas, and all I can do is trust that the Artist knows what he's doing. I'll assuage fears right now - I am not depressed or unwell - just a bit overloaded. I feel a heavy weight to what I am preparing for, and I want to prepare well.

Somehow, despite my best efforts at progress, I feel as though the shore will never be reached. I am still treading water somewhere over the Marianas Trench. I am wrestling through setting a realistic budget, and though that is almost in place, the actual income versus projected is looking like the emaciated cows of Joseph's prophetic dream. More to come, as I am exhausted writing this much already...

To You Who Read

Thank you! I like to tell myself that I write mostly for me... And that's mostly true... Mostly! Ha! I have been reading and re-reading your comments this morning, and looking at the map I put on my page, and I am grateful that my small words and my experiences are somehow affecting people other than me - people reading in Nola, the Northwest, Idaho, Boston, New Zealand, Germany! Wow!

I am going to have some breakfast, and maybe I'll hammer out a few thoughts today. There's a lot tumbling around in my head right now, and my fingers are itching to peck the keys. Today could be big!

Love you all!