Solitude, Silence

Hello.

This is my first post in a very long time. It will be short - there is simply too much for me to write about, it would take a book to describe the last 6 months of my life. Suffice it to say that many of the things I've believed about myself, about my world, and about my God have been turned upside down. There was a man inside a boy when I left Portland and Seattle for New Orleans. Now the man is coming out of the boy, and it is tangible. Like any birth, there is great pain and much labor. But the new life I see taking root in me is worth the struggle.

Shh... Be silent. Listen. Rest. Know.

I began my time in New Orleans with a period of silence. This was a posture that I needed to take, for a time, to begin to listen and hear. I've lived 24 years with all sorts of different voices in my head clamoring for my attention - voices speaking lies to me, seducing me, ridiculing me, hounding me; the culture, my background, and myself. Somewhere in the mix of all these voices was a still, small Whisper, and I had forgotten how to discern it from the others.

It was alien to me - choosing not to speak, choosing not to turn on a DVD or my iPod, choosing not to open my laptop and surf. It was silent, and uncomfortable. Yet, in the silence, I began to hear. I began to identify voices speaking lies I had believed my whole life... "You're not worth it." "You're dirty." "You need me, you want me." "Don't let down your guard. Don't let anyone know you."

In the silence, I also began to hear, softly, gently, subtly, a Voice whispering love, affirmation and truth to me... Truth I had never really believed... "You're worth it. I love you. I made you clean. You need me, and I want you. I love you."

In that week, those truths didn't sink in completely, because for me, it's a slow process to allow them to journey from my head to my heart. But they are sinking in, and they have been changing the way I live, carry myself and, most importantly, the way I see myself. That Voice is wooing me, romancing me, and I want to hear more of it!

Come away with Me, be alone with Me...

I'm leaving on Friday to go be alone for a night and a day at a monastery about an hour out of town. I'm going away to listen, to be quiet, to leave it all behind, to commune with my Lover, my Father, my Savior and my God. He will refresh me.

I live at a hectic pace here in New Orleans. That has been a huge struggle for me... There is not a lot of time to slow down and go away, to be alone and reflect, listen, meditate, pray. In fact, I was sent away tonight for a few hours. Between working all week, each week, and participating fully in my Community, I hardly stop. The busy-ness is good, but there must be a place for peace and solitude, as well. As a man, I am learning that it is okay to govern my time, to set aside "me" time. It is okay to go away for a while, to refresh and recharge. There is only so much a man can do, and a sustainable pace must be found.

So I am learning to posture myself in silence as a discipline, and learning to be alone. I am learning to just be, and though the learning is slow, it is good.