Hello, Bellevue.

Bellevue. This town, this place - it's wonderful being home, though a bit unsettling, as well. I find myself looking over my shoulder often, wondering if I will have the pleasure/horror of running into someone I used to know. Will I recognize them? Will they ignore me? Will it be awkward?

I've gone and left this place behind. There's so much history here; tragedy and comedy, dark days and beautiful nights. When I return, I can't help but remember. I have yet to drive down my old streets and see the houses where I used to live. It's difficult to remember sometimes - I have scabs that I'm not ready to pick yet.

I've spent much time pondering my life in the last few weeks. Who was I, who am I, and who am I becoming? Where am I going? Will I ever be out of debt? When am I going back to school, and where? Where are Saralyn and I in our relationship? Where should we be? How do I model Christ to the people I work with, when I am so scattered I can barely see him? I feel like a soul in Limbo - neither here nor there. I have no city, no true home on this earth.

I can't honestly and objectively answer these questions right now. Now, I'm not having a quarter-life crisis. I will not be jumping into a cult, eloping with my girlfriend or selling a kidney (or worse) for debt relief. I'm just beginning to think a little more. I want my decisions and my relationships and focus to be weighty, heavy with meaning and impact. I want my life to count.

So I will keep on living, asking questions. I doubt I'll ever answer them all, but the beauty and the learning and painful growth is in the search.

Mazel Tov, Nick & Hannah!

Mazel, mazel! Good things.

I'm so proud of you, Nick, and so FREAKIN' happy for both of you! Welcome to the family, Hannah... Hobbit-style wedding, anyone? I get to be Faramir!

I have watched God change Nick into something awesome, and I know he's ready. As he and I are both products of failed marriage, part of me is nervous for him and Hannah, but I am seeing how God redeems all things.

I have never met Hannah, but I can see how the Lord brought them together, and can't wait to see what He will accomplish through them!

Grappling

Materialism. In the economic connotation, it has to do with the acquiring of stuff, but that is only one dimension of it...

The teacher John said it like this: "Do not love the world or anything in the world. If you love the world, love for the Father is not in you. For everything in the world - the cravings of sinful people, the lust of their eyes and their boasting about what they have and do - comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever." (1 John 2:15-17)

I watched a few episodes of "The O.C." tonight with my friend Chris (Crarey) - it seems I have an abundance of friends and acquaintances with that name! Must be a Portland thing. As we were watching the show, I was struck by the opulence of the cars and houses - even their clothes. These kids have a school that looks more like a luxury day spa! We sat down to watch this show AFTER we spent an hour or so playing with his new Apple MacBook Pro... Needless to say, I already had the envy bug at this point.

I grew up in Bellevue, where most kids inherit Dad's BMW if they're unlucky. I didn't get my first car until I turned 20. My whole life I've been the kid in last year's sale fashions, driving a beater or taking the bus...

I'm not feeling sorry for myself (too much). If anything, I'm scared. I want to move to L.A. and live in a giant house, drive a sexy car, date a model, wear the labels. My heart scares me.

In Scripture, Christ tells parables to warn about this: The rich man who counted his money and reveled in it died that very night, a victim of his greed - judged and found guilty by the Lord. "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom..."

Forget those forbodings for a minute, and look again at 1 John 2. "If you love the world, love for the Father is not in you!!!!

Tonight, I'm questioning what's in my heart. Do I love things more than I love the very God who created me? Am I that American?!

Lord, help me love you more than what I see around me.

Battle Cry, Huh?

I just read several articles from Google News regarding a "Christian" rally in downtown San Francisco, and I am disgusted. I am not disgusted with the press. I don't believe they made the protesters look foolish, or made them look anything. I believe these people made themselves look foolish, and they made Jesus look like the biggest jerk in history.

Comedians were cracking jokes about athiests. The speakers were telling the crowd how to have a superiority complex over gays and lesbians and athiests and the like, declaring a "culture war" and sounding a "battle cry."

I checked out the website for the event, and it all looks like marketing and profiteering to me. Tickets were upwards of $60 bucks a pop, almost $100 at the door!Justifying their merch sales as offering "products with a conscience," I wonder what kind of royalties the speakers made off this?

I'm not saying I have the corner on how to model Christ's love for people. I'm not saying I'm pro-gay. I've not back-slidden. But I definitely want to distance myself from people like this. People who contradict themselves by one minute firing war rhetoric, and the next minute saying they "love the sinner."

If you love the sinner, quit all the fancy showmanship and rallies! Quit expecting a post- or even pre-Christian culture to act Christian, and love them as individuals, where they are. Fighting a culture war gets you labeled as a bigot and a hater. It does nothing to prove to anyone that you love them.

If I wasn't mistaken, someone said, "They will know we are Christians by our love." Interesting thought. Here's the article:

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/03/10/BAG63OJ6V43.DTL

After further reading online, here's a piece about the Philadelphia version of this rally:

http://www.truthdig.com/report/item/20060513_battlecry_philadelphia/

No Mas Myspace!

I am done with Myspace. I've found too many opportunities in that forum to sin. I am uncomfortable with the stalker factor, as well. What a commentary on our culture, that we designate an abstract string of zeros and ones as a "place" to know and to become known. We've forsaken the lost forms of letter writing, conversations over coffee or dinner, and the time necessary to really engage someone to know them. It's ironic that to be known, we would isolate ourselves with our laptops, rather than clear an hour just to be in the presence of another person.

Now, I understand that distance can be a mitigating factor. I work with a guy whose daughter lives in Michigan, and he sees her once a year. Cellphones aside, Myspace is their forum for talking. That works for some people.

I'm sick of the glitz - graphics, wallpapers, friendslist, comments, etc. I'm sick of the trash - stalkers, porn... things no healthy mind needs.

For my purposes, this blog works much better. Read it. Know me. Leave a comment. Send me an email! Start your own blog and send me the link.

I am free!