Hello, Bellevue.

Bellevue. This town, this place - it's wonderful being home, though a bit unsettling, as well. I find myself looking over my shoulder often, wondering if I will have the pleasure/horror of running into someone I used to know. Will I recognize them? Will they ignore me? Will it be awkward?

I've gone and left this place behind. There's so much history here; tragedy and comedy, dark days and beautiful nights. When I return, I can't help but remember. I have yet to drive down my old streets and see the houses where I used to live. It's difficult to remember sometimes - I have scabs that I'm not ready to pick yet.

I've spent much time pondering my life in the last few weeks. Who was I, who am I, and who am I becoming? Where am I going? Will I ever be out of debt? When am I going back to school, and where? Where are Saralyn and I in our relationship? Where should we be? How do I model Christ to the people I work with, when I am so scattered I can barely see him? I feel like a soul in Limbo - neither here nor there. I have no city, no true home on this earth.

I can't honestly and objectively answer these questions right now. Now, I'm not having a quarter-life crisis. I will not be jumping into a cult, eloping with my girlfriend or selling a kidney (or worse) for debt relief. I'm just beginning to think a little more. I want my decisions and my relationships and focus to be weighty, heavy with meaning and impact. I want my life to count.

So I will keep on living, asking questions. I doubt I'll ever answer them all, but the beauty and the learning and painful growth is in the search.